I have started writing this post several times, and then deleted or archived it away for another day. Some nights I am simply to tired to write something good enough for an angel like you, other times because I can not find the words to explain how I feel about my old soul of a baby.
In pure honesty I carry a lot of guilt with you because I do not get the endless hours to rock you and snuggle you. As a mother, the worry nicks notches in an endless belt that seems to wrap around our hearts. As the third child, you get hauled to the pool just to sit and sweat while your siblings swim and swim...and swim. You patiently bounce in the jumperoo while Bland has his tantrums and Charlotte has her meltdowns. You munch on countless puffs while I make lunch for everyone or cook dinner. And when I look over at you, your always smiling.
Each day and night that you are wide awake and resist sleep, I can not help but blame it on the wired chaos you must feel watching our household run. It is close to impossible to get you to sit and take a bottle because someone comes to tickle your feet, someone starts screaming, someone needs me to get them a snack and I have to stop and come back to you...and your usually sitting their looking up at me with your angelic smile.
During my many, many, many (like a lot) hard days. The kind where everyone is crying, no one is satisfied, boo boos are the trend. Days where I truly want to hide in the closet until daddy gets home. I find myself having this trust and mantra that “today is just a day”. An ever increasing ability to laugh it off, or not be afraid to cry it off. But to let it out, and move on. Moments no longer control my days and weeks. And a lot of this is because of you.
Those sweet baby blues, looking at me with the most sincere and peaceful smile. Your fluffy blonde hair and toothy grin. Eyelashes that go for miles.
There is something different about you. You brought a light back into my life.
I have had a lot of questions through the years. I don't really believe that everything happens for a reason, or that there is a specific set plan for everything. I believe we all have choices. Church is not always the most comfortable setting for me. I believe in God and the Holy Spirit. I know that. I believe in the spirituality and strength the bible brings people. But I always had all of these questions, too many questions, so many unanswerable.
I have fallen victim to the "why me" selfish feelings before. When life gets really hard, I have turned to negativity. I have had days and weeks where I did not count my blessings. And worst of all, I had let my faith dwindle in to a cold, very black and white place.
But call it age, call it wisdom, call it life...call it Hunter. Each day my faith overpowers my doubt a little bit more. Sometimes I can almost see it standing in front of me jumping up and down screaming, I am here, let it be. Your birth, your life, your purpose in our family, my sweet angel, is the glue.
You are my solace.
As each of my sweet babies do, you fill my heart and my soul, and you are each my greatest teachers, and I love you more than sunshine.
Running errands.
Trying to do Patty Cakes.
Fourth of July morning. You were very sick.
A moment of sleep. Moment is the key word.
Bathtime
